Always Silver Linings

What Got Me Here?

What got me here is a long story, of loneliness, fantasies, love, friendship, and epic misunderstandings. And Clair de Lune. That last one was probably the biggest factor. As a language teacher and aspiring writer, I should understand how easy it is to misinterpret things, but even the best intentions are worthless when they’re misunderstood. 

Life never goes according to plan, and we can never predict how we’ll react when our plans fall through. I couldn’t have predicted any of this a year ago, though I saw it coming in more recent months and was powerless to stop it. I lost two very special people because of severe miscommunication. I was desperate to prove I was justified and that I wasn’t crazy. Ironically, that was what really drove me crazy… that nobody saw my side. Now I’m left with more hatred and less self-worth than ever. My goal in this is to fix that. Whether it be through forgiveness or acceptance that I can’t change people’s minds and I certainly can’t change the past, I will let go one way or another. 

So where do I go from here?

Let’s try one day at a time…

  • Good Morning!!! And Welcome to My Fancy New Blog.

    13th Oct 2019 by

    For those of you who are confused by the fact that there are posts before this, I’ve just moved from another blog hoster to this one and I’ll be migrating (lots of copying and pasting) my old posts to this one. So SORRYYYYYYYYY to anyone following because you’re gonna get post bombed. Let’s just start… Read more

  • Always Silver Linings

    27th Jun 2019 by

    I used to see the silver linings on the darkest of days. Now I see only blackenned clouds and storms. This is my battle against the storm that hit my life and my mental illness of bipolar. It’s not always pretty, but by God, I am a fighter and will weather any storm. I also… Read more

  • Brain on Fire???

    11th Nov 2019 by

    I’m on a bit of a “mind is willing but the body is weak” kinda month. I have all these things I’m itching to do but my body is fragile because of the stress-related symptoms. But today is a good day. I still feel like crap and am off work hopefully for the last day.… Read more

  • Pick Yourself Up, Damnit!!!

    10th Nov 2019 by

    I’ve spent all year picking myself up after falling over and over. It’s tiring and discouraging for sure. But somehow, I do it, and I will keep doing it. That’s not to say I feel good about the idea of falling and stumbling all the time.  I had a mini spiral last night. And it… Read more

  • Losing Time???

    9th Nov 2019 by

    Time waits for no man or woman. It doesn’t care if you see it or not. It doesn’t care if you can’t keep up. It will leave you behind. It doesn’t care if you wish it away or want to go back and fix past mistakes. Time will always move on no matter what you… Read more

  • Spinning, Spinning, Spinning???

    8th Nov 2019 by

    As predicted, I spun out of control and am suffering from vertigo. I managed to get myself to the sofa and propped myself up enough to use my laptop. But it means calling in sick and leaving my boss to arrange cover and stay later to close up. I know I can’t help being sick,… Read more

  • Take a Chill Pill???

    7th Nov 2019 by

    So I’m clearly in full hypomania again. Lucky me. Was up late writing and up early writing until I decided I needed to shower and eat. I’ve got my writing goals and plans in order.  I also got some amazing feedback from my story, which was validating and encouraging. I’m sure the Pianist has seen… Read more

  • When the Stress Gets Too Much???

    6th Nov 2019 by

    ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Stress all around this year. Family, friends, pets, work, life, brain, body, aaaahhhhh!!! And now it’s building again.  I just found out that my cat, Lily, has to have chemo but there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll work. Dad’s waiting for his operation, possibly next week, which is a common thing but with his heart,… Read more

  • My Dumb Attempt to Help!!!

    5th Nov 2019 by

    There’s nothing I can do to fix anything, but whether it’s between 2 and 4pm over there, or 2 and 4am here, or all the other hours of the day, I will be around. Who needs sleep anyway, right? Maybe the writing is helping. Progress is good. I think. I dunno. I feel useless and… Read more

  • What’s the Point???

    5th Nov 2019 by

    *Trigger Warning* It doesn’t really warrant a warning per se, but I’m sure the Flautist won’t want to read my repetitive ranting.  Honestly, I get angrier and angrier over this every day. She’s over there giving up on everything she’d planned before and after she met that Jerkface Pianist. And I hate him more than… Read more

  • Feeling Murderous???

    4th Nov 2019 by

    I’ve been pushed to a whole new level of rage this weekend. The whole When You Hurt, I Hurt doesn’t even begin to describe it. It’s more of a When You Hurt, I Kill Them. Seriously. I will cut him with a thousand paper cuts. Okay, not really. But the rage I was already struggling… Read more

  • Let’s Keep Going???

    3rd Nov 2019 by

    Staying motivated during trying times is not only hard but draining. I’ve struggled with this all year and hardly written anything new. I’ve dipped into my novels for no more than a few minutes at a time. And my short pieces are first or second drafts which I was lazy about.  Two weeks ago, something… Read more

  • Let’s Talk Genius???

    2nd Nov 2019 by

    *Warning* Drunk post. 🥴 But it’s totally not ranty. I think. I don’t know. I’m drunk, remember. 🤣 In my drunken boredom, I came across one of those silly IQ tests. I can’t help but take them occasionally. Seriously, they’re fun but totally incorrect. I always get a result from 125-160 depending on the test.… Read more

  • Taking my Life Back – Step Two???

    2nd Nov 2019 by

    I miss my novels and worked on a chapter yesterday. It felt good and meaningful with the new emotions I’ve felt this year. I’m going to take it all out on my poor characters, but she’s a tough one and can handle it. Like I said in Taking my Life Back –  Step One??? I’m… Read more

  • Stuck between a Rock and a Stupid Rock???

    1st Nov 2019 by

    I am helpless right now. I want to offer all my logic and guidance to those in need, because I’m fricking smart. But one is too stuck in her situation that she sees no way out. And the other is too stupid to follow any of my advice. I should leave, run, save myself, right?… Read more

  • Wet Fish Revenge???

    31st Oct 2019 by

    I WANT to slap the Pianist with a wet fish. The stinky kind that takes several days and lots of showers to get rid of. I want that stink to stick to him forever. Funny and satisfying enough for me to get revenge without losing myself to it the way I have in my fantasy… Read more

  • Never Settle???

    30th Oct 2019 by

    *Old post from mid August* Feels appropriate to go out on October 30th with my friend’s latest post. I originally wrote this for her anyway. So I guess… don’t settle. Don’t settle for what you think you’re destined for. Try. And risk the heartbreak because it might actually work out. Waiting for something that might… Read more

  • Embrace the Darkness???

    29th Oct 2019 by

    Firstly, I’m not sure if I should say happy birthday to my friend over in Stress and Chaos because she doesn’t see it as a happy day. But I will be online every possible moment to help her face the shit gets thrown at her this year. Secondly, I have more fire today than I… Read more

  • Silver Linings through the Stress and Chaos!!!

    28th Oct 2019 by

    Firstly, some of you may have noticed that most of my titles have question marks. That’s because I have a million questions about it and try to answer them as best I can. But some (like the one above) have exclamation marks. There are no questions here. There is 100% faith and assurance in the… Read more

  • When You Are Your Only Hope???

    28th Oct 2019 by

    I’ve begged for so much help this year, and where has it got me? Always back to the beginning of my spiral so I can go through it all over again. They tell the mentally ill to seek comfort in friends and loved ones. Open up and let it out. But what if nobody listens… Read more

  • One Thought

    27th Oct 2019 by

    One Thought One thought, one word, one line. The letters roll on. They might as well be nothing. Blankness. That damn line is flashing its condescension at me. It knows. It sees the chaos in my mind. I hate the thing, hate what its stillness means, but it rolls on. More nothing. Wild thoughts slap… Read more

  • Queen of Demons

    27th Oct 2019 by

    Queen of Demons They glare at me with searing eyes. The little fuckers. They want my throne. I’m sure of it. I want them dead. But I will accept their servitude.  Screams clash like swords and spears. Fire burns my veins and fuels the Queen within me. She will not release her throne to these… Read more

  • Taking My Life Back – Step One???

    27th Oct 2019 by

    Earlier this year, I lost all confidence in myself. I began to lose it as far back as the end of last year with my job, but various things forced me to question my abilities as a teacher, a writer, a musician, and a person. I felt worthless in just about every sense and still… Read more

  • Fire Heart

    27th Oct 2019 by

    Here’s something I wrote based on one of my many crazy vivid dreams. It felt good to write an actual story again even though this is short. It’s very symbolic for me in a lot of ways and I haven’t changed much from the dream, just filled it out a little to make a fun… Read more

  • Keep the Faith???

    26th Oct 2019 by

    I spiralled badly last night and in the days leading up to it. Today, I’m half sick, half hunover and half just wanting to give up. I stayed in bed until 5pm and haven’t left the house. I feel like shit and still helpless in improving my own life. But you know what? I still… Read more

  • Trigger Warnings Suck???

    25th Oct 2019 by

    *Trigger warning* The Flautist always puts a trigger warning for me so I can look away or read it when I’m mentally prepared for anything potentially hurtful. Well… I guess it’s only fair I do the same.  *Also, I’m drunk and sick and spiralling and desperate but not dangerously just in case anyone is worried.*… Read more

  • Shift That Mindset???

    25th Oct 2019 by

    *Trigger warning* References to suicide but overcoming the thoughts. Also, in true bipolar fashion, I’m out of control again. Lucky me.   Telling someone with any type of mood imbalance disorder like chronic depression or bipolar to “shift that mindset” is like telling them to wish themselves into a fairy. We can’t shift anything up there.… Read more

  • Because I Just Can’t Help Myself???

    23rd Oct 2019 by

    I often go back on my word, especially this year. The Flautist says “Never Say Never” and it goes for me too. I’ve gone back on my word on this particular issue a few times since May. And I’ll probably do it again before the ned of the year. I said I didn’t feel guilty… Read more

  • Let’s Try This Again???

    23rd Oct 2019 by

    *Trigger Warning* References to self-harm. As I stated in Healing a Broken Heart with a Broken Brain and a Broken Body???  I’ve been through a lot this year. It’s hit me on every side and almost buried me. I’ve spent the past 2 days mostly crying my eyes out because of the finality of my… Read more

  • My Offer Has Expired???

    22nd Oct 2019 by

    Lots of timey wimey things between my friend’s posts and mine the past few days. And since starting this post last night, my friend came to a realisation that the Pianists is depressed. I wanna say “No shit, Sherlock,” but I imagine it’s hard to see the signs when you don’t suffer from that type… Read more

  • Emotional Torture???

    21st Oct 2019 by

    *Trigger Warning* Suicidal thoughts and emotional revenge. It’s one of those days where I have too much to say. Emotional torture is cruel enough to anyone, but when you suffer from depression and mental illness, for someone to abuse you emotionally is just pure evil. This is how I feel about the Pianist now. Emotionally… Read more

  • Third-Wheel-Syndrome???

    21st Oct 2019 by

    *Old post* When you try to turn a duet into a trio, it doesn’t always work. Either you have to recompose or rechoriograph, or someone simply gets less than the others. Dividing two people into three??? Come on??? Stop kidding yourself!!! I never thought I’d be the worst trope of being part of a love… Read more

  • There’s a Stranger in All Our Brains???

    21st Oct 2019 by

    I’ve adapted this post from the original topic of “I Can’t Take This Shit Anymore” but most of the content still applies because in Mental Twin fashion, the Flautist posted something I was partly addressing here anyway. I wrote Stranger in My Brain to explain how I do horrible things when I’m not thinking straight.… Read more

  • Wrong Frequency???

    21st Oct 2019 by

    You know when you’re driving way out of your normal area, and the radio overlaps with the one on the same frequency from the next city?  That’s me all the time. Like frequencies are constantly overlapping and sometimes, I can’t pick up anything. I feel like I’m completely out of tune with the world.  But… Read more

  • Mental Twins???

    20th Oct 2019 by

    Imagine you had a previous life, but when you entered this one, your soul was divided and split between two people. I read something similar not long ago and knew instantly who would be the other half of my past soul if there were such a thing. She has a blog too, because… we just… Read more

  • The Bright Side of Music???

    20th Oct 2019 by

    I figured after last night, we needed a contrast to The Dark Side of Music by my Flautist friend, and then I woke up to this… A Strange Day. True Mental Twins. Music is powerful. It invokes emotions beyond simple words.  Music is art, and art is meaning and beauty. It is pure emotion brought… Read more

  • Free from the Hate???

    18th Oct 2019 by

    I have plenty of hatred in me these days. It’s a horrible feeling when I’m really not a hateful person. But ongoing emotional beatings and loss of self-esteem has brought a lot out of me along with the jealousy and resentment. That much hate makes me hate myself too which makes me hate things more,… Read more

  • Mind over Matter???

    17th Oct 2019 by

    Think positive and all that jazz. But it’s really not as easy as people assume when your mind is your biggest enemy. How do you conquer your own kingdom? Well… you can’t. But if you can convince the various parts of yourself one by one that you’re their Queen (or King) then you can take… Read more

  • Nothing and Everything???

    16th Oct 2019 by

    “What are you thinking?” “Nothing.” Everything. Paraphrased from a friend’s short story. But this really does describe my mind.  Sometimes, I find myself staring into space with almost no thoughts whatsoever. This can happen anywhere at any time. Just today (or Tuesday depending on when I post this) I got the little children colouring Mummy… Read more

  • The Magic Triggers???

    14th Oct 2019 by

    When people say “don’t be sad” I’m sceptical at first. But the right words from the right person can make all the difference. I’ve talked about Emotional Triggers and how they can send us spiralling. But you know what? There are those magic triggers or words that just make me smile. Sometimes a “cheer up”… Read more

  • Why I’m Amazeballs!!!

    13th Oct 2019 by

    So let’s ride the feelgood wave a little longer and extend my Why I’m Amazing post. I’m feeling empowered this weekend. Hypomanic??? Possibly. I don’t care. I’m go, go, go despite the fever and shakes. Maybe the fever is part of the hypomania or a bug. I really don’t care. I have creative productivity and… Read more

  • I Cried Again???

    11th Oct 2019 by

    I pretty much spend half the day crying lately or forcing tears back. It’s exhausting and wears me out. Basically EVERYTHING wears me out these days both physically and mentally. So when someone says something like this about me…  “So Best Friend is my rock, my safe harbor in the storm.” …I’m going to cry… Read more

  • Hold onto The Good Moments???

    11th Oct 2019 by

    Even the most damaged people know to hold onto a moment of calm or positivity in our crazy lives. It could last months or minutes. But you grab it with both hands and don’t let go. I’ve had 24 hours of something resembling stable. I’ve not cried beyond mild snivelling or that silly little burst… Read more

  • Fifty Shades of Bipolar???

    10th Oct 2019 by

    My thoughts in the 40 minute journey to work… Oooh, love my sexy car.  Let’s turn on some loud music. Lily. Poor Lily. *gets to the end of the street* Nope, some calming music.  *gets on the motorway* Let’s have something loud again. Hope Lily is watching the birds from the bedroom window. She likes… Read more

  • Depression from Lack of Self-Esteem???

    10th Oct 2019 by

    We get down on ourselves and need a little help to feel good about ourselves again. But how do you feel good about yourself when you’ve been knocked down so badly and nobody will help you? This is a kind of extension of Fadeout where I talked about how I feel invalid as a person.… Read more

  • 8 powerful Carrie Fisher quotes about mental health!!!

    10th Oct 2019 by

    8 powerful Carrie Fisher quotes about mental health!!! One of the most amazing women in the world, and she suffered too. Just goes to show what we can acheive despite the storm in our heads. Here’s what she has to say… On owning your diagnosis: “I am mentally ill. I can say that. I am… Read more

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